Flightless/Beyond
the Wall
Author’s
Note:
So
I am treating Chapter 2 as an experiment because my biggest critique on the
revision was that I didn’t close the distance between the main character and
the voice. So in this chapter I did some heavy experimentation with voice and I
wanted to see if this paid off. If it doesn’t, then I am going to make this
piece a 1st POV because I don’t want my revision to be negatively
affected, and the distance between Will and the narrator will be closed because
they are the same. With the interior dialogue that Will has with himself, I left
the first segment in unchanged (no italics), but the segment after the
tentative chapter III is in italics. I did this so you could compare and see
which style is better. The reason I do this is when I introduce Belle’s
dialogue I want it to be telepathic, and will utilize italics for that. I don’t
want to confuse the reader by having them wonder if it’s Will or Belle who is
speaking in italics. So the question there is should I let Will have italics or
no? Also, I introduce the sense of grandeur by having the encounter of the
Fallen trying to tell Will he is special, but because there is a language
barrier, we don’t get the message. Is that scene effective? Also, I don’t know
if it’s because I read Little Texas, but does the scene where Will helps Belle
get dressed sound okay? I’m not used to writing sensual/romantic stuff since I
mainly stick to horror/fantasy in my writing. I hope you all enjoy the read,
and can’t wait to read your comments.
Chapter
II
Village
after Village fell beneath the Fallen’s wings. Neither wall nor mote could halt
their vile crusade. For their wings gave them the power to surpass all obstacles
in their way. Indeed, they would attack directly from under the sun so no
mortal could see their gleaming armor until the Fallen were upon them. Their
defeat was thought an impossible act that is until Timar invented a way to halt
the Fallen in their tracks.
1st
Tome of Timar: The Genesis
Will
knows he heard the door open, the characteristic moans of rusted bolts fill the
dark house with their creaky voices. The door closes. Silence. It did open, right? He waits, listening to see if his father has a
late night visitor, but he does not hear the familiar baritone of his father’s
booming voice. Maybe Evelyn is sneaking
out, he thinks and pushes himself further into his cocoon of blankets. He
closes his eyes, and hopes to drift off to sleep, except he hears what sounds
like a heartbeat, beating its rhythmic tune downstairs. The beat grows louder
and louder and louder as it begins to creep up the staircase. Will knows that
the beat is someone’s, or something’s, footsteps. “Maybe it is just Evelyn
sneaking back to bed,” he whispers to the opened doorway. The footsteps speed
up, as the intruder begins to rush, the thumps of its feet racing up the
staircase, mimicking Will’s own beating heart.
Spindly
fingers, wrap around his doorframe. A huge, shadowy figure lurches into his
room. Will screams, jumping out of his bed and races to his moonlit window,
eager to escape its grasp. The sound of bells booms in the room and the
footsteps start again. Will reaches for the window, but the window is now
filled with sunlight. He looks around his room to see that it is his kitchen.
Will looks down to see that his clothes are too big for him, and that he is
only five years old again. He looks up from his clothes, and sees the naked
Fallen man, lurching through the door. The Fallen’s torso is speckled with
blood. Several of his gleaming white teeth are missing, and blood leaks through
the gaps in his teeth. He spots Will and reaches out an arm, his smile
splitting his face into a wide grin. Five year old Will screams as the naked
man walks towards him and scrambles up the counter as the Fallen’s spindly
fingers latch onto his legs. The Fallen picks Will up with one hand and makes
Will face him. The Fallen pulls Will into his bloody chest and begins to speak
fervently to him, shaking him from time to time in his earnestness to convey
something. Will refuses to listen, screaming at the top of his lungs, and the Fallen
puts him down, but Will’s head is barely above Its torso.
The
Fallen man puts a finger to its lips, trying to silence Will, but Will
continues to scream. There is a scuffle at the door, Abram’s booming voice
echoes in the hallway, “Where are you, Will? Did you leave the door open?” The
Fallen puts its hand over Will’s mouth. Will knows what he needs to do. He
bites the Fallen’s fingers.
Bells
fill the kitchen, fill the house, and shatters the windows. As the Fallen backs
away from Will, pushing tears from its eyes, Abram enters the kitchen. Its eyes
grow wide, and it begins to garble broken notes to Will as It reaches out
towards him.
“Don’t
you lay a finger on my son!” Abram bellows and crosses past the kitchen table,
his hammer rising above his head.
The Fallen man is still speaking to Will, his blue eyes
gazing into Will’s own. As the Fallen’s hand reaches for Will’s face, it jerks
back, as Abram’s hammer collides with its skull.
It stumbles to the ground,
no longer speaking, but staring. It touches Will’s small feet, and kisses them.
The Fallen stops as the hammer strikes the Fallen again and again. While the
hammer swings, Will still stares into the Fallen’s sky blue eyes. As blood
begins to pool around the Fallen’s cheeks, Its mouth twitches into a smile, and
Its eyes lock onto Will’s.
Will jerks up from his pillow, and stares directly into
the set of sky blue eyes. “Gods above!” he shouts, as he swings an arm out. It
collides with the side of Evelyn’s head, and she tumbles off the side of the
bed with a groan.
“My Gods, Will. What was that for?” she asks, touching
the red flesh, which was starting to swell on her cheek.
“Nightmares.” Will says, “Sorry about that, you startled
me.” Wills head was still spinning from his dream, he pinches himself to make
sure that he was awake.
“Well, you should be,” Evelyn states, looking up to him
from the ground, “help me up and let’s get breakfast.” She reaches out a hand,
and Will takes it. “I forget you have that dream after every Reckoning,” She
states as the walk towards Will’s door.
“You’d have it too, if a naked man grabbed a hold of you
when you were five.” Will responds. He looks outside the window one last time
before following his sister, glad to know that he was not dreaming.
“Good point,” Evelyn says. She opens her mouth to say
something, but closes it again.
Will and Evelyn ate a silent breakfast. After putting the
dishes away, Evelyn walks out the door without so much as a backward glance to
Will, “Going to help Father with the bodies. Have fun, killer!” and bangs the
door closed.
Will was in Evelyn’s room half a second later, digging
through her piles of clothes, and being careful about touching her delicates.
Fallen don’t need delicates, he thinks to himself. After rifling through
clothes, he finds some of his sister’s older clothes which look like they would
fit the Fallen girl. Putting, them in his pack, Will begins to walk towards the
hill.
(Tentative
Chapter III (5))
It’s hard to call
out to someone who doesn’t speak your language, Will thinks as he waits on
his hill. What am I supposed to say, come
here, come here little girl? Should I get a dog whistle? Would she respond to a
dog whistle? If I were her, I probably wouldn’t cause I’m not a dog. Will
decides it would be best to just whistle a tune. He reaches down and plucks a
plume of grass, and placing it between his thumb and forefinger, he begins to
whistle. After half an hour of whistling through the bit of grass, he sees a
head poke out of the woods. Will stops whistling and waits. The head pokes out
from a large oak tree, and he waves to the Fallen girl. That took you long enough. “I’ve got clothes for you to, uh, for
you to change into,” He shouts. Well
maybe to put on, since you don’t have anything to change out of, he thinks.
The Fallen girl comes out of the woods, and cautiously walks
up to Will. She stand resplendent, wearing nothing but the belt and dagger Will
gave her. She smiles at him, and he blushes as he looks her over. Will glances
down as the Fallen notices where he is staring and covers herself up with her
hands. “I got you some clothes,” he says to the grass, and pulls out Evelyn’s blue
dress from his pack.
The fallen girl cocks her head to the side as she gazes
at the dress and jingles.
“Well, they aren’t mine, they are, um, they belong to my
sister.” He holds them out to the Fallen girl. Just take them, please take them.
She snatches them from him and attempts to put them on.
Maybe I should have
gotten delicates for her too, Will thinks. What if a breeze came by and blows the dress up? His cheeks flush and
he stops worrying about whether or not he should have brought them as he
watches the Fallen girl struggle with the dress. Will snorts as she tumbles
over loose fabric.
She rights herself and stands up and scowls at him,
jingly high notes of anger, her dress forgotten.
Will stops laughing and blushes again as she keeps
jingling at him. “Okay, okay I’m sorry, please put your clothes on, it isn’t…it’s
just not natural.”
She looks at the dress, then back to Will and sighs exasperatedly
and sits down in the grass and looks at the forest.
Will picks up the dress, “Let me help you put it on.”
She looks up and jangles a phrase or two, as if she was
telling him that she would appreciate the help.
“No problem, that’s what I’m here for,” Will states. “First
you got to put this flowy end over your head like this,” And he raises up the
bottom of the dress and helps the girl’s head through. “Okay, now you got to your
arms through these holes here.” He holds her arms, and guides them up the dress
and out of the sleeves. “There you go, you, uh…you look pretty.”
She looks at him and nods her head, as if she already
knew what he was thinking. She takes the belt off from underneath her and puts
it around her dress.
Will looks at the belt and dagger, “Can I by chance have
that back? If I don’t have it, my family might notice,” he asks. He holds a
hand to reach for the belt, but the Fallen girl jumps backwards and shakes her
head. “Seriously, I need it, give it back.” She shakes her head. “Why are you
doing this, I need that back.”
She jingles at him.
Will thinks for a moment, trying to figure out how he can
get his gear back, “What about a trade then?” Will asks her after a moment.
She stops moving and
waits, as if to say, “I’m listening.”
“If I give you underclothes, those are clothes that you
put under your dress, will you give me back my knife.” He looks at her, for a
reply.
She
cocks her head to the side. She looks down at the dress and lifts up the hem.
“Put it away!” Will shouts, shielding his eyes, but an
unexpected noise causes him to drop his hands. He hears laughter. He looks at
the girl, and sees that her hem is down
and she is bent over laughing. The sound of high peals of joy permeate through
the air and she begins to gasp from laughing. After her giggle fit subsides,
she looks at Will and nods.
“Thank you…by the way, what is your name?” He asks, the
thought just occurring to him.
She jingles.
Will sighs, “Well, seeing as I can’t say that, how about
Belle? Because, you know, your voice sounds like bells.”
She smiles at Will, approving his choice.
She smiles at Will, approving his choice.
He reaches out to pat her head, “Good, now I can call
you-“
As he touches her hair,
she smacks his away, and scowls and jangles at him, indicating that she is not
a pet. She stands straight and looks him directly in the eyes.
“Touchy, okay, okay, sorry. Didn’t mean to offend you,
was just trying to help,” Will states, throwing his arms up in the air.
She nods at him, “you’re forgiven this time,” her eyes say.
“Okay.
Well, Belle, I will try to be out here tomorrow around the same time. We also
need to find a way to hide those wings, so get ready to brainstorm on that.
Okay?” He says.
She
jingles at him, and begins to walk away, her boney frame slithering in the
grass like twin pairs of snakes. As she disappears into the woods, Will walks
to town. He is not particularly looking forward tomorrow. In some ways he does
not know which was worse, a naked Fallen man grabbing at him, or having to go
through his sister’s delicates tomorrow. Both prospects seem rather invasive to
him.
First off, kudos on the scene from Will's past with the Fallen. I was eating while I was reading that and actually had to pause a couple of times. Also, the last line gave me a good chuckle. I wouldn't want to be in Will's dilemma either.
ReplyDeleteIn regards with focusing on Will's character, I know you tried to focus more on him by giving internal dialogue. Personally, seeing more of Will's character in this chapter didn't change my opinion of him, in the sense that I still saw him as a somewhat fearful and somewhat hesitant character. Even if I had never read this chapter I still could have gauged that info from the first. In regards to POV, I feel like 3rd person works better for a story of this size and setting. However, when you mentioned that Belle's telepathy would appear in italics, I was expecting to see some of that and misread a couple of lines by Will. If you want to go that route, that is going to be your biggest hurdle. I can't say switch to first person, but rather find a unique way through the presentation of text to convey Belle's telepathy.
As for the dressing scene, I felt like it worked fine. If removed from context, it is ambiguous enough to be taken as awkward teen love or brother/sister relationship shenanigans. However, mentioning Will blushing a lot, I feel, carries connotations of romance. By the way your comments were worded, I didn't know which way you intended to take their relationship (although in class you mentioned it would be brother/sister). If you're going to go that route, replace the blushing with something else.
One final comment is that it feels like the tone is flipping back and forth. We have the scene with the Fallen's brains spilling all over the floor and then a rather light-hearted chapter of Will and Belle. I know you try to focus on horror/fantasy. However, if it is your intention to provide that contrast, then ignore this comment.
Enjoyed it!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI definitely feel like the connection between Will and the voice is stronger in this section. I like that we get to see more of what he’s thinking and feeling. However, sense you plan on conveying his communication with Belle through italics in later chapters, then I do think that will get confusing with Will’s thoughts being in italics. I don’t think having Will’s thoughts not be in italics will take away from the story at all, and by rephrasing his thoughts a little you should be able to keep the story in third person. The scene where Will helps Belle get dressed works well; it introduces some realistically sensual moments that I think you handled fairly well. Even if you don’t plan on having Will and Belle become romantic, it makes sense that a young boy like Will would find this whole situation awkward yet intriguing. I really like the dream scene with the Fallen man, and I think you should play it up some more to better get across the significance of it. You can do this by just adding more specific detail about the Fallen’s character, how his voice sounds, how his eyes look, as he tries to get his message to Will. During the breakfast scene, I found myself wondering what cleaning up the Fallen bodies entails, so this could possibly be something you have Will think about as Evelyn leaves. On a grammatical note, there were several moments throughout these chapters when you slipped into past tense, so just pay attention to that in your revision.
ReplyDeleteHi Steven!
ReplyDeleteI think you did a great job of conveying voice in this chapter. I also like how you intermixed the horror of the flashback with the awkward clothes scene. Both of these things will definitely help carry your story forward. I think you're better off keeping Will's thoughts in regular font and dedicating the italics to Belle. I also think it would be neat if you found a way to make her telepathy unique rather than him just hearing her in his head. This may be challenging but I'm sure you can come up with something. A section that really threw me off was how you introduced Will's flashback. I really liked the scene but at first I was really confused because I didn't realize it was a dream. I would start the scene by stating something along the lines of "Will was five years old and…" and then launching into the descriptions. I think the main reason why I was so confused was due to the sentence, "He looks around his room to see that it is his kitchen," that really threw me off. I also thought it was kind of forced and unrealistic to have Will relive that traumatic event through a dream after every Reckoning. I understand it is a traumatic experience, but it seems to perfect for him to dream that on that time. I also think he would be kind of embarrassed to admit that he's still having these nightmares to his sister.
I loved the scene between Belle and Will. I think you did a great job of showing us each character's personality as well as how they interact with each other. I like the detail of the "delicates" and Will's reaction to Belle's nudity. I think his reactions were pretty accurate for a fifteen year old boy but I would hold back on some of the blushing. Its okay to blush some, but you don't want him to pass out of embarrassment. I really liked how Belle smacked Will whenever he pet her head. It added to her personality.
I really liked this section and I'm excited to see how Belle and Will develop!
Steven, I really liked the pace and tone of these two chapters. The first part was nice and creepy and suspenseful, and the second was rather amusing. In the second chapter, you might want to introduce something about Will’s age and the first part being a flashback earlier. The age comes too late and is surprising but without seeming purpose, until the next revelation that it’s a dream. I realize that you can’t spell out the timeframe like a “Ten Years Earlier” kind of thing, but maybe just hint that something is off by the fact that Will sees himself smaller. He wouldn’t be able to fight off the angel man because he was weaker as a child and had not developed his muscle yet, etc.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the transition to the third chapter, I’d like a bit more about Will’s decision to bring a dress for Belle rather than something more practical given her dangerous situation. We might need some explanation on how the clothes fit into the culture of the town. Given that they seem to be a warrior culture, does Will grab Belle a dress rather than some type of light armor or something camouflaged because there is some code that women must not dress a certain way?
In response to your concerns about point of view, I’d go with the first section style rather than the second. The frequent thoughts in italics are a bit off-putting for some reason. Also I don’t think they are as effective as they could be. They’re useful for telling what Will’s thinking during the awkward scene, but I feel a little more paraphrase and emphasis on gestures would actually be more telling and feel more natural here. I think I would save the italics for Belle’s telepathy. And regarding your concerns about this chapter, the encounter seemed fine, but I have similar genre background to you, so I’m not sure if I’d be the best judge. I think Will being embarrassed or uncomfortable about seeing her naked makes sense even if you don’t intend for there to be anything romantic between them.
Steven, I think the distance between the narrator and voice is much closer and working well in these chapters! It honestly felt like reading first person to me, and that's the goal right? You did a good job with the dream sequence, letting us know it was a dream part ways through so we weren't just totally confused, but still showing that important scene without just doing a flashback. I think choosing to do it as a dream helps show Will's psyche too, how much the Reckoning and that experience shakes him to the core. I also really enjoy how Will and Belle interact, very casual and joking in a way that suits what you want their relationship to be - more brother/sister than romantic. In that, I think the dress-putting-on scene is fine the way it is - Will is blushing, but he's not sexually enamored. However, I am still left without a sense of Belle's age within the text. Will finds older clothes of Edith's, clothes she's probably outgrown, so that makes Belle younger than his sister? I think describing Belle's body when he's staring will help with this, and I think you can do that without getting too sexual either. Just mention curves, honestly!
ReplyDeleteAs far as voice and italics - as of now, the italics are working okay, but ultimately I think you want to find a way to get across Will's internal thoughts clearly without using italics. Especially once he and Belle start telepathically communicating, because you're right, that would potentially be confusing. I think generally, italics are better used for highlighting something "extra" - like telepathic thoughts, or quote inserts (like your religious text stuff) - and not for regular aspects like your main character's internal thoughts. Also, I think you over-explain what Belle is saying at times. Even though she's just jingling or not speaking at all, her body language or tone you describe already tells the reader what she meant by her jingles; for instance, "She stops moving and waits, as if to say, “I’m listening.” " - all you need to say is "She stops moving and waits" and the reader understands she's listening. Or here: "She nods at him, “you’re forgiven this time,” her eyes say" - she can just nod. This will be a cool dynamic relationship to see evolve!